I am fiercely outspoken, but I am also cautious. I think the surge of conversation around the election has overwhelmed me and made it difficult to find my voice. Part of me feels like that voice has been taken from me. Safety feels at risk for me and my friends and the thing is we are the privileged few--knowing this makes it hard to talk about.
It’s hard to talk about anything when you feel like you’re not the one most deeply affected and you’re not an expert on the subject matter. It’s scary to put it out there. I’ve written every single day since the election and every day I end up in a rambling stream of consciousness and it gets too personal and I throw it out.
But today I think I might just put it out there anyway. Because talking is important. Working through these things is necessary. Making mistakes is all part of it. I welcome constructive critiques and conscious conversations.
Most importantly, I want to help empower women.
The day after the election was a complete blur and the following day things were heavy, but manageable and then I went to teach Friday morning. An empty class meant a studio to myself playing the new James Vincent McMorrow album on repeat, so I started practicing. Normally I close my eyes, but that day my eyes were wide open. I was practicing staring into a full wall of mirrors.
I noticed my focus go from my alignment, to judging my body, to locking eyes with myself in the mirror...I hadn’t even noticed the tears streaming down my face. I kept moving. I was shaking. Something was opening up and I wasn’t sure what was going on and I realized I felt unsafe. I felt angry.
All of the sudden I was replaying all of the little fucked up situations when men have made me feel less than. Instances when I’ve felt incompetent, or too emotional, or like a tease for saying “no.” Nobody should have to feel this way. I don’t want my sister or my mother or my friends or anyone to feel like they are incapable or unworthy of being heard.
I want us to speak up. And I know that is a tall order for some of us. I didn’t realize how hard it has been for me lately. So I encourage you to write it down, physically move around in anyway that feels good and/or talk to someone you trust. Reaching out to others is a vulnerable strength and together we can move forward.